What I Want
A selfish title, I know. But I never have sat down and wrote about all the things I would want out of life. I have just been aimlessly fumbling towards the future hoping wherever I land will at least be solid ground. I have made some big decisions in my life, not all of them good. I am learning to live with those stupid ones that I often keep myself up at night asking why.
So, what do I want? In what regards am I talking about? Well, every aspect of life, I suppose. What do I want as my career, finally? What do I want to make myself happier? Do I want to be with someone? Am I happier alone? According to Google, the age of your average midlife crisis ranges from 40-60 years old. I am not yet 40, but it is around the bend. I don’t think of these questions as a midlife crisis sort of moment. I have always asked myself these questions. Since I was 16, started to write poetry, I would contemplate life and ask what the meaning of it all was.
I think this is just more prevalent now as it is nearing the holidays, having to figure out what I am doing long term with my mom, and life in general. The holidays always make me sit back and think about the past, the way it was, and then comparing to what it is like now. As hard as I try, it never will be the same. Which most times depresses me. I have been better with accepting the differences and knowing that what I do is good enough. I don’t have to the live up to anything other than what I can do.
In July I started my new position at work. I am in Marketing now. My degree is in Communication, which will fit under that marketing umbrella. However, I am not entirely sure it is because the company I work for has a lot of things already in place and all I am is a filter to easily dispense with the information; or if this is just not for me. My goal was not to be in marketing. But I needed the experience. So, here I am. What is my goal then, you ask? I have no idea. I wished to hone my writing skills and use it to make money. I write for this marketing position, but it is with strict information and not at all on the creative side of things. I just feel stunted when it comes to what I can actually do. In the meantime, I will keep trucking on the career front.
What do I want out of myself? How do I want to change for the better? Do I want to eat healthier, move around more or just change my overall outlook on things? Well, of course it is yes to all those things. But I am not going to make it my new year resolution. It will inevitably fail. What I need to do is change my mentality towards myself. Accept who I am currently and then tweak as I go along. Easy right? I know I want to do better health wise as I have seen enough to know that I am on a road to having issues if I don’t change something.
I want to take social media, namely Facebook, for what it is; just a place people put the best of the best and rarely show us their real lives. There are times that I go on there and just make myself more depressed than I was going into it. I usually post good things, but I will post real situations that are going on and let people know they are not alone. My “friends” should know that my life is less than peaches and cream. So, they know that it is a safe place to view on their Facebook and never have to worry about a feeling of jealousy over my life. If ever you want to feel better about your life, my page is there. I am doing a community service.
I want to be less angry. Let me explain. To give you an example, I have street parking where I live. I don’t get the luxury of my own driveway. Something I never thought I would miss so much. There is space in front of our place for two nice size cars. The woman who moved into the bottom apartment on the other side of our duplex, does NOT know how to park. If the world was depending on her parking in a straight line, not on the sidewalk and not touching my car, we would all be dead. Every day I come home it is like a roulette wheel of what I may find with her parking ability. There are times I get out of my car and just stare at her van and wonder how she and her two daughters have made it home alive. This makes me angry. Probably more so than it should. I could easily put that energy into something more useful, but instead I fume staring out the window at the absurdity of it all. In summary, it would do me some good if I was just less angry.
I want my family to care about the family as much as I do. Again, I need to explain. I come from a rather large Italian family. Unfortunately, my brother and I were a product of my dad’s second marriage which was a product of infidelity on his part. Needless to say, I believe there is or was animosity towards us. Not directly, but I am sure behind our backs. My dad taught me to be family oriented. Family comes first. When he died, my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles and so on kind of died with him. My mom’s side of the family we hadn’t seen for a decade and then had a semi reunion and then not too much after that. I miss that family-oriented way of life. During the holidays we would have a large get together, Thanksgiving would require another table, or a leaf extension and we would probably see people throughout the year. My son doesn’t know this kind of “family”. He knows his parents and my mom. He knows of people or has met a few when he was younger, but that is it. This also angers me, again something I need to work on. I am not sure how I can work on the family thing. I have reached out to a few people, but I am not sure where to start. That is if anyone wants to be associated with the likes of me. They should feel good to know that I have a Facebook of community service to make them feel better about themselves.
Finally, well finally for the sake of this overly long post, do I want to be alone? I feel like most people don’t like the idea of being alone. Even if at the end of it all, we are alone. Not like we can take things or people with us. We are alone on that journey. Take that depressive thought and sit in a corner with it. Setting that aside, since my dating experience is pretty much nil from my exceptionally popular status in school, I never cared too much about being with someone. Life happened, got married, surprising right, and had my son. Where am I now? Stuck between wanting to have some form of intimacy and just not having any at all. I like my freedom. Which I really didn’t have within my marriage. If I wanted to play a game, it was a whole thing. If I wanted to hang out with my friends, it was like bargaining my life away. If I wanted to sleep due to having a crappy day or just life getting me down, I had to be subjected to berating words that made me feel like I never did anything in my entire life but sleep. When I get home now and after I make dinner, I can do whatever the hell I want. Like the adult I am or trying to be.
I had to make this a new paragraph because that one was getting ridiculously long. Here is my list of requirements to entice me into a “relationship”. I will have my time to play video games, it is my way to just get some release from the stressors. I can sing or whistle as I see fit. Walk away if you don’t want to hear me. Even if it is badly done. I wash my hair two times a week, no more, no less. If that is not good enough for your, then too bad for you. Your loss. I have moments of being down and moments of being angry, if I tell you I need a moment alone and to be left to my thoughts, that means walk away. Don’t try and make it better, don’t talk to me yet, just let it go and walk away. It is for your own safety and sanity. I like hugs, as much as I say I am not a touchy feelie person, I actually like hugs. I like to be close, and I like to sit and watch a movie or show with you. Some idle chit chat is also nice. We are allowed to disagree; in fact, I like a good debate. But not so much that it makes either side angry. Is this all too much to ask? I like my space, but I also like to be together, just not a leech, if you know what I mean.
All in all, I know the things I do and don’t want, it just takes work. Which is life in a nutshell. I felt I had to write this for my own sanity and perhaps to give you some ideas as to taking a long look at yourself and what you want out of your own life. This was more therapeutic in the end than I originally thought. Hope you enjoyed and remember that you can change things in your life. Nothing is impossible. Even if you think that it is. I know I have those days that make me believe that it is virtually impossible. As they say these days, you got this!