I am going to start this off with saying, I have never classified myself as someone who had a drive to get things done. I am largely a procrastinator and prefer relaxing then going out and exercising. Even if I truly NEED to go out and move around. However, I have found in the last few years a certain strength within that I could use to push me forward. I have mentioned many times in my blogs that I have gone through a lot in the last few years. I am not going to say that I have gone through more than someone else. Someone always has it harder, the same or they are completely fine. I will say that we each deal with these situations differently.
For me, writing has always helped me through a lot of it. Whether it was poetry, journaling or just stories to get something on paper. In this I have found that strength to know I can move on and get things done. When I finally made the decision to go back to school, I went specifically to hone my writing ability. Now it has turned into a whole new career path that I didn’t think I would be on. But I am happy I am traveling it now.
I have become a little more outgoing, very little, but it is a surprise I have that much. What I have been thinking about recently is that my school career is coming to an end, if I don’t decide to go for a graduate degree, I am still debating that journey. I am on my way in my career with marketing, which is not my destination but merely a step in the right direction.
What is my next step? When we lost our house of nearly 30 years, I felt adrift. I didn’t know what my final space would be, or if I was just going to be living a nomadic life. Thankfully we have been lucky to find the place where we are now. I am continually grateful for everyone that helped us get there. With things changing the dynamic of home life I have been constantly thinking of what my long-term plan needs to be. We needed a home, not someone else’s home, but our own home.
Unfortunately, I am still working on this credit score I have had for a good portion of my life. There is no denying I am just shit at finances. I go through moments of being down, depression I suppose, and I buy something, or I get food out when I have food at home. It is just me not wanting to face whatever is bothering me at that moment and smothering it with either food or a new material object. Which is subsequently followed by regret.
So, I am facing some more of my major flaws and working on that. I am getting these finances under control by contacting people and setting up regular payments and just getting them removed. A house is my next goal. I am shifting that determination I somehow found to get schooling and work sorted. Now it is my own house. Something I can be proud of, decorate and start those roots growing.
When I was younger my parents had a house, had their jobs, led their lives, you know…adulting. I see plenty of families and people I went to school with on social media with homes, careers, and a nice little family. It makes me feel like I have failed. I have no home, just renting, I am only just getting into a “career”, only just finishing school and yes, I have a son, but it isn’t a picture-perfect family. Then again social media always shines a light that blinds you to whatever may be going on in the background. Perhaps I am just one that paints my life as the roller coaster it is. Social media and in real life, it is what it is.
Setting aside that feeling of failing, we all lead our lives differently and we get to the finish line one way or another. I am just now seeing that focus. Finding what I want and stop hiding in that bubble I created for myself. No more wallowing, although I know there will be days, but just push through it. Instead of seeing that roadblock I created for myself, find a way to dismantle it, or find another route. Along the way I want to thank the people who have been there for me. Especially my son, who helps me daily, my friends who make me laugh and bring me up when I am down. I have even found some awesome people at my work that truly are the best people. Thank every single one of you. In the meantime, I am working for that house. I will get there, and I will be posting a blog about it soon.